Cosmetology
by Volvochick
Summary: "Why does it look like that?" Really, with everything going on around them as they fought, no one was surprised that it had been Caesar who asked the question. Implied numerous pairings. Rated T for blood, violence, and implied sexual content. Reader discretion is advised.


**Well, I really don't think anyone was expecting a new story from me this early, its only been a week since my last update after all. Truthfully though, this thing was completely written and planned the exact same day as my last update. And its finally time for the introduction of my avatar from the game, Wythia! _Clapping sounds._**

**The only reason the story takes place at this point in time is because the only other time you can fight a Cerberus is in the Van Haven Waste and I really wanted Kara in this.  
**

**I don't own anything, nothing. Not even the computer I'm typing this on. I just own Wythia and the crazy mind that somehow spawned this idea.  
**

**And in the immortal words of Mark Twain: "Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot."**

**In other words, don't try to understand it, you will break your brain and I really don't want to be held responsible.  
**

No one wanted to be here right now, not one single person. Well, except maybe Yulie, but at this moment in time, no one really cared what she thought. It was her fault they were even stuck here after all.

Everyone was supposed to be on their merry little way to the kingdom of Balandor, to find some old guy named Medius, the only information they had to go on, to hopefully gain some more information about these Knights (and to get a lead on Caesar's past, but no one really cared about him either). To Balandor, the peaceful little kingdom with shining palaces, pristine rivers, clean streets, and excellent seafood. Balandor, the city with a population of 2000, minus one newly deceased monarch, his recently kidnapped daughter, and an adventuring wine delivery boy tasked to find said captured princess.

Instead they were off on a quest for some idiot in a pompous top hat named Allen (the idiot, not the hat) who requested, no, _demanded_, their assistance in a matter of upmost importance. That they simply must help him find the perfect trinket for his darling Angelique, that nothing else was good enough for her dazzling beauty, her generous soul, for the birds that sang her songs. He needed a group of strong, brave (read: idiotic) mercenaries to go off and retrieve some precious crystals of the rare red and blue variety in the heavily monster infested territories of Flandar Trail to make a ring unparalleled in all aspects but perfect for his darling Angelique.

No one had really wanted to do it, any other time would have been perfect but they were all on a tight schedule, because fighting some dark art's practicing organization that wanted to take over the world and all kind of stole any free time you had.

Leonard was on a mission, he had to save the beautiful Princess Cisna, whom stole his heart at first glance, his one true love and all that other gag-worthy fairy tale jazz.

Yulie was on one likewise as well, she was determined to win her best friend, said wine delivery boy, over and live out a happily ever after with him.

The mysterious old man named Eldore had yet to reveal his intention but was trying to locate his long, lost queen whom he suspected was reincarnated into one shanghaied princess.

Caesar was pretty much along for the ride but was looking for clues to his long forgotten childhood, and to possibly break a few hearts along the way.

Tiny but deadly Wythia was on a quest to destroy all of Noah's hardwork with the ark and kill one of every creature out there in order to marry her Farian fiancée.

And Kara was simply along to assassinate every single one of them and steal their arks (but no one knew that of course seeing as it would make traveling just a smidge on the awkward side).

Despite all of that though, Yulie had sympathized with the annoying Allen and agreed to assist him in his endeavor to win over his sweetheart. When confronted she would claim not long afterwards that she had been touched by the man's adoration of his girlfriend and everyone else agreed that yes she was touched, touched in the head that is.

So they set off to find the two pieces of crystal and all except Yulie now sporting some very sore limbs.

Along the way they had to fight numerous beasts and lizards, as well as the old giant flying bug or two, trek through the meandering trails in the mountain and kill over a dozen Basilisks in order for Derrek the Jeweler to smith it into a ring.

That was how they all ended up here, fighting a giant three-headed dog that not only had deadly sharp teeth and massive jaws, but also had two snake like heads protruding from its neck that spit corrosive poison and a long tail with a flaming crystal at the end. And even if you did managed to avoid getting killed by the snapping jaws, the hooks that hung underneath the belly of the beast was likely to skewer you if you weren't careful.

And this amazing specimen of a creature had been attracted by the newly forged ring which apparently attracted monsters like flies to honey (wasn't darling Angelique going to be in for a surprise when she went out for walk). They let Yulie hold onto the ring seeing as it was all her fault they were into this mess in the first place. She was one who agreed to help out the love struck moron in the first place so she could hold onto the damn monster attracting ring in question.

Unsurprisingly though, it was Caesar who asked the question that was on everyone's minds.

"So why do you think it looks like that?"

Leonard shrugged as he dodged the deadly snapping jaws of the mix-matched beast. He answered as he slashed at the left-most head and took off a bit of its snout, the creature now howling loudly in pain and anger.

"I don't know, maybe it's the lovechild of a Megalo Tigris and a Fire Dragon?"

The sharp twang of an arrow being let loose from a bow interrupted Leonard as it sunk directly into the middle head's right eye. "I don't know what it, all I know is that is reminds me of a myth I heard when I was younger. I think it's supposed to be the guardian of the underworld or something."

Eldore nodded thoughtfully as he cast a well-placed ice spell over the beast's flaming tail. "Perhaps this beast was summoned from the magic plane? Most likely by and over eager magician and managed to escape and has been running loose ever since."

"Well you're all wrong, I do believe that this is a Cerberus, they supposedly inhabit and run wild over the Van Haven Wastes. I actually needed to kill one on my list, I just never expected to be fighting one so soon! They're supposed to be really rare and hard to find." Wythia chimed in, her odd purple eyes flashing in excitement, as she was actually the only one eager to fight when the creature appeared.

Kara snorted in disbelief while she instinctively aimed a slash at the center heads remaining eye, effectively blinding it and throwing off its depth perception. "You don't say? And how then do you explain Ms. Wilderness Guide how this creature managed to get all the way over here? It's not exactly a straight line from the wastes to here. There's an entire wasteland to cross, a chasm filled with holes and massive insects and not to mention the entire empty plains down there to traverse all in order to get here. It's also impossible to miss a beast this big walking just strolling through all of that!"

"Well, maybe the Magi smuggled it across to use it in the attack against Balandor with the Pyredaemos except it escaped and then somehow wound up here."

Yulie groaned. "Gods, not everything is a conspiracy Leonard. The whole world doesn't revolve around the Magi's actions you know!"

Confusion filled Caesar's face as he expertly sunk his spear into one of the Cerberus' hind paws, its cries of pain interrupting the upcoming argument between the childhood friends.

"What? No, not that. I meant why does it have braids hanging from its body?"

Okay, maybe not the question that was on everyone's minds.

Yulie gave Caesar and an odd look before speaking. "You're kidding right?"

Caesar gestured frantically at the uniform braids that hung neat but bloody from the overly large canines stomach and the expertly tied small hair spikes that lined the beast's necks and back. "I'm serious! Who on earth goes to the trouble of braiding the fur of a deadly, giant carnivorous beast?"

Eldore simply rolled his eyes skyward, refusing to take place in such an absurd conversation hoping that the others would simply let it drop cold and not continue it. Of course he knew that his last hope would never happen so he decided to wonder incredulously instead why in the world he was traveling with a group of children to fight an all-powerful army.

Thankfully to him though, the sound of a large beast collapsing painfully to the ground ended the conversation before it even began, everyone now having the chance to fully attack the now vertically challenged canine without fear of bitten in half by snapping jaws. Most took a moment to watch in wonder and in awe as Wythia calmly raised and swung her axe in a mighty swing at one of the beasts longer snake-like necks before letting the movement continue behind her and finishing with a powerful overhead strike. The move which she affectionately named Deathdriver for obvious reasons came down and completely decapitated the head from its overly long neck causing those watching her move to involuntarily wince.

Despite being less than five feet tall she somehow managed to be an absolute powerhouse with the great axe she wielded that was taller than she was.

Wythia seemed not to notice the stares of incredulity as she wiped off the thick red-black blood that covered both her and her weapon with revulsion before speaking. "Well, Cerberus', or would that be Cerberi? Cerberis?" She began to twirl a strand of her shoulder length black hair around her finger as she thought aloud, a habit that a few had begun to notice appear whenever she was in deep thought. "Anyways, they are known to travel alone except when mating season comes around. Though you can normally find a small pack of Blue Beasts and Jackals following closely behind, whether for protection or for food no one knows though. Maybe they braid it upon pain of being eaten otherwise?"

Caesar shook his head thoughfully as he kicked at one of the huge braids now laying on the ground with the Cerberus. "No, no. Look, the braids have been expertly done. There's not a single hair out of place and they've even been wrapped around the hoops and the hooks before being tightly tied with these thick pieces of leather here. Another beast wouldn't be able to do this, so trust me, this was done professionally."

Kara let a condescending take over her lips as she replied, not able to believe that she was actually joining in this idiotic conversation with these idiotic companions of hers. She couldn't wait until she could kill all of them. "You would know wouldn't you Caesar? Being pampered your whole in a mansion surrounded by riches would make you an expert on fashion wouldn't it? Although one would never guess from your gaudy clothes and hairstyle."

Caesar took the jibe good naturedly, winking at the Albanian as he let a sultry grin escape. "Well maybe after this battle done, tonight we can braid each other's hair and pick out the others clothes in the morning. We could even do some other fun _activities_ while we wait for the sun to rise."

Kara's only response was to send a heated glare as she smacked Caesar with the hilt of her sword.

"Oh, feisty aren't we. I like that in a women."

Oh yes, him in particular she couldn't wait to kill.

In the background Yulie shrieked as she covered her eyes with her hands in a frantic attempt to erase the images that now lay there. "Aaah! Bad images, bad images! Damn you Caesar, now I'm never gonna be able to sleep tonight."

"Well, if you're not going to be able to sleep tonight how about I give you some company in your tent. What do you say Yulie?"

Caesar began to laugh at both the bright pink blush and horrified expression that took over Yulie and Leonard's faces respectively at the realization of what he was insinuating. It seemed that despite Leonard's completely platonic feeling towards his best friend, just the thought and idea of her and Caesar together horrified him.

"I can't believe I'm doing this but something has to be done before someone is scarred for life. So… Caesar, how do you think that those braids and hair spikes are being done?" Leonard asked in an obvious attempt to change the subject.

Thankfully for everyone there, Caesar shrugged casually as he leaned on his spear and the Cerberus recovered to its feet behind him, now in more pain and agony than it had ever felt before now and covered head to tail in wounds and its own blood. It was also in a deadly rage to kill and destroy those that did this to it.

Unconcerned with the rampaging beast behind him, Caesar tilted his head to the side as an arrow flew by only inches from his head and impaling the lone remaining snake head with an ice arrow in the forhead. The tall snake like neck began to shriek and hiss in pain at the projectile now lodged in between its eyes before falling limply to the side dead. Neither Leonard nor Caesar seemed to notice though.

"I'm not too sure Leonard. I mean really, not just any old monster could braid fur with various hooks and rings and then make short ponytails of the rest. Well, I suppose Trolls or Giants probably could but they really don't seem like the type to sit down and chat as they do each other's hair. I mean, they really aren't ones for personal hygiene and appearance from what I've seen."

Both the males turned to Wythia who began to speak up as she severed the flaming tail from the rest of the body with a clean strike, the magical fire dying around the crystal the moment it hit the ground.

"You got that right! Have you ever smelt a Troll or a Giant up close before? Trust me, you really don't want to, one smells like rotten fish and the other like rotten meat and I am not telling you which is which and I wouldn't advise finding out first hand."

The entire group all stepped back as the killer canine lifted its remaining head and howled in agony before snarling and snapping angrily at its attackers. Lunch wasn't supposed to be fighting back this much.

With madness clouding all rational thought, the beast ran forward and charged at Eldore, hoping to trample one if not all of them, Eldore chosen only out of animal instinct, as the oldest and therefore most likely the weakest and sickest out of the bunch, the slowest too. He would also probably be the stringiest of them all and the hardest to chew out of the six so while not the best meal he would do for now. After all, beggars can't be choosers.

In response to the obvious attack though, Eldore simply raised his hands and when his lips began to move a fierce wind began to blow towards the beast, lifting it straight off the ground and into one of the canyon's tall rock walls.

Yulie nodded earnestly in understanding to Wythia's statement as all this went on. She had joined Caesar and Leonard shortly after the beast began to charge. "You got that right, but you do have to admit that while the stench is often enough to scare you off, if it doesn't kill you first, the chains that the Troll's wear really don't help their 'trust me, I'm harmless' any."

Kara had to agree, has much as it pained her to do so from where she stood a couple of feet from Eldore. "True, the chains it wears do make them look fiercer than they would otherwise. But Trolls aren't widely known for their intelligence for obvious reasons, so whose idea was the chains?"

Wythia smiled as she walked towards the group, the now four headed beast and blind in one head whimpering in pain behind her. "Maybe the thing that does ugly's hair over there also dresses smelly as well?"

As Cerberus struggled painfully to its feet, Leonard and Yulie began to laugh, a wide grin beginning to form on their faces.

"And the one that keeps the Ahwahnee's silky, white fur groomed?"

"Or keeps the dragon's scales shined…"

"…sews the Giant's clothes…"

"…prunes the treants…"

"…cleans the sand out of the Megalo Tigiris' fur…"

"And makes sure that the Direspider's stay hairy, but not too hairy of course." Leonard finished with a grin.

At once Caesar gained the expression that one gains when the metaphorical lightbulb goes off, his face lighting up as he used his spear to impale one of the Cerberus' poor ears to the rock wall behind it.

"That's it! It's all the same person, or in this case, persons. It's a group of people that get together and for some reason or other groom the monsters. Nothing else makes sense!"

Kara sighed as she yelled over to where the young lord from Greede stood with the wine delivery boy, the unrequited love interest, and gnome-like mercenary. "Caesar, you don't make sense!"

In response, he sent an eyebrow wag and a grin towards the Albanian. "Just give me a few hours of you time and I can help you make sense of me."

With a loud groan and a roll of her eyes, she turned away seething. The man was absolutely insufferable!

Turning back to Leonard, Yulie, and Wythia, all of whom looked like they would rather like to pretend and forget that the exchange between their two hormonal teammates never happened, to resume the interesting, if nothing else, conversation.

"No really, think about it. There must be a group of people, insane people admittedly, going out and making them look this way. What other explanation is there? I'm sure that if we took the time to look we could probably find rumors of a group or something that does this. It's probably called something lik Make Our Monster's Scary or something…"

"MOMS?" Wythia interrupted with a disbelieving laugh.

Caesar conceded with a sheepish smile. "Alright, so not that obviously, but maybe it's the final lesson for one of those beauty classes! Cosmo-cosmo… cosmo-something or other…"

"Cosmetology?"

Caesar continued on nodding excitedly. "Yeah cosmetology! Thanks Yulie. And the final lesson or exam is to go out in groups and once one of the larger monsters is subdued, they attack it with combs and brushes and stuff. Those that manage to survive and aren't eaten are put into work right away. Cause after dealing with a terrifying monster that can and will eat you before using your bones as toothpicks, dealing with a picky customer somehow just isn't as scary anymore."

Caesar looked earnestly into the faces of his friends that surrounded him, wondering how his mighty revelation was hitting them. In response all three of the faces carried different mixes of amusement and disbelief.

Leonard was the first to speak.

"Hey, Caesar…" he started, unsure how to go about this politely.

"Yeah, yeah?"

Yulie and Wythia finished Leonard's sentence for him. "You're an idiot." They both deadpanned.

"So I've been told. But hey, I bet you've never seen one better looking than me."

Both Yulie and Wythia laughed as they rolled their eyes good-naturedly. Leonard on the other hand looked sick, not quite sure how to take the comment.

By now the Ceberus had somehow managed to stand shakily to its feet and detach his ear from the spear holding it to the wall. This time though, it gazed with pure fear at its attackers. These people were crazy and it had to get away now before even more torture was done to its poor mangled body. It looked frantically at the ledge it had jumped in from and found the perfect means to escape. The only problem aside from its missing tail, shredded ear, damaged back leg, and three of its head either blind or dead, was the sheer rock face that lead up there. It would be impossible to get up there even if it was in perfect condition. But when you had six crazy and merciless warriors all mad with bloodlust, you could do just about anything to get away short of flying. Scaling a sheer, sheep wall like this would be child's play even in its condition.

Before it was able to move very far though, it saw both Wythia and Caesar standing only feet away in front of it, crazed grins on their faces.

"Sorry boy," Caesar apologized not meaning a word. "But Wythia here needs to kill you if she ever plans to get married and I just want to know who does your hair. So we're going to be sending you on a one-way trip to see your master again."

As Kara and Eldore both watched amazed at the once terrifying beast try to shrink its torn and tattered body whimpering into the rock face, they sighed in exasperation, both realizing that although their journey wasn't going to be easy, it certainly wasn't going to be boring either.

END

**And done. For those of you who want some more information on my avatar, check my profile. You'll probably only see her in these oneshots though unless I'm pressured enough to do my own telling of the main story, aka the game. I don't plan on it though, there's enough of those on here and I refuse to jump on that bandwagon, but there are a few good ones I've found so I'm not simply ranting. I just prefer to clutter the site with something different.**

**Also, this is my first attempt at something like a humor story so give me feedback. I'm not sure how good it was I can honestly say that when I first fought a Cerberus in the Van Haven Waste the first thing that crossed my mind was who the heck went to the trouble of braiding it. And so, two years later, this story was finally born.  
**

**Well, I should probably just end it here before it gets awkward so... ciao!  
**


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